Honest
by TamaraJagellovsk
Summary: John has a revelation. He deals with it in true John fashion.
1. Revelation

Jack let go of Ianto with an affecionate smile. The welshman left the room with his trademark grace, off to get the captains a good cup of coffee. John, leaning against Jack's desk with his arms and ankles crossed, stared at his retreating back. Jack leaned back, trying to read his ex partner.

"You look like you've never seen me kiss someone."

"I just had a revelation."

Jack got up from his chair, hands in his pockets, and looked at him with his head tilted to the side.

"I used to think you didn't do commitment. That you didn't do love. Then I saw you with Ianto and realized I was wrong. You _are_ able to love. You just never cared much about _me_."

Not an accusation, just a statement. His voice complete level he added:

"Hurt like a bitch."

Jack reached out and traced John's jaw.

"Hey. Look at me. Please."

When John turned away Jack sighed.

"I did love you, John. In a way I still do."

"Not like that. We never had what I saw when you looked at Ianto."

"What was that?"

"Affection. You and I would beat and shag the crap out of each other even in public. But a public display of affection?"

Jack stood behind John, his hands on his ex partner's hips.

"That's what you wanted?"

Jack felt him tense. John's "yes" was so low he'd almost missed it. He swallowed hard.

"God you're beautiful when you're being honest", he breathed, his lips brushing John's neck. John let out a shaky breath and leaned back against Jack's chest, but he didn't say anything.

"You're gorgeous, John. I'll never forget that. But you're a part of my past."

John pushed away.

"Yeah I get it. You're all changed yadda yadda, reminders of your past are inconvenient. Does Eye Candy know anything about who you really are?"

"Were, John. The man you knew doesn't exist anymore."

John turned back and looked at him. Then he took a step closer, invading Jack's space.

"Doesn't he?"

God that voice. Hard wired to Jack's libido. John knew how to strike all the right chords.

"Come with me. For a day. Come back right here right now, no disturbing the time line."

"I can't."

Jack held up his wrist strap.

"This doesn't work the way it used to."

"Mine can carry two."

When Jack didn't answer John huffed out a laugh.

"You don't want that, do you? You don't trust me, and you don't want to rely on me. You really think I would leave you stranded?"

"Wouldn't be the first time."

"That was necessary for the mission, and you know that."

"Didn't back then."

"That was necessary for the mission, too."

"And you loved it."

John grinned.

"A little."

Then he was all serious again.

"This is different. I promise. Why would I lie to you about this?"

"Why are you so insistent?"

"Because - "

John kissed him. The perfect kiss, a bit of his clever tongue that promised heaven on Earth or any other planet.

"- I've missed you. I've been missing you for 147 planets. 148, only this one doesn't count, does it?"

And Jack gave in.

"24 hours and we jump right back to this exact point."

"Whatever you want, honey."

Jack tried not to be too excited about traveling Time with John once more. He failed. It _was_ exciting. Everything that involved John was exciting. He should have known.


	2. Payback

„No. No no no no no!"

John grinned.

"Yes, luv. Payback is a bitch. What goes around comes around and all that. I see you remember what this thing does."

"I remember what it did to you."

"And it'll work just fine on you, too."

John held him in a steel grip that Jack just _knew_ he wouldn't get out of. His partner forced Jack's hand where he wanted it. The moment Jack touched the device he felt a wave of energy rush through his body. John let him go. Jack hit him. Hard.

"Hey!"

"It forces me to speak the truth. It doesn't keep me from beating the crap out of you!"

John laughed.

"You wanna spend the day fighting? Fine. Bring it."

Jack hit him again for good measure, but John's response made his ears ring so he decided to leave it at that. Panting and wiping blood from his face he dropped to the ground. John joined him.

"Now you'll know what it's like. And besides I might learn a few things."

"I could just say nothing for 24 hours."

John burst out laughing.

"Honestly I think that would kill you."

" _You_ couldn't keep your mouth shut for half an hour!"

"Nope."

John was still grinning.

Jack glared at him.

"You ruined a perfectly good scam..."

John made a gesture with his hand that said 'Yeah, well...'.

"... but it did make you a spectacular lay."

Now John looked affronted.

"Oh please. I've _always_ been a spectacular lay!"

Jack sobered.

"Yes you have."

He looked surprised. Apparently he had planned on saying something else.

John was beaming again.

"Pray continue."

Jack glared at John again, but he ignored it with the practice of a long time lover. When Jack opened his mouth again the glare disappeared and his voice was soft.

"I loved how vocal you were. The praise. The pleading. Raw, open, unguarded. Vulnerable."

"I hated it."

"No you didn't. It gave you an excuse to drop your guard."

"I. Hated it."

Jack looked at John, surprised to see his partner's jaw clench.

"I had nothing to hide behind, and you took advantage of that."

"I loved it, John."

John snorted.

"Sick bastard."

"I loved it because we'd never been like that. I'd never really seen you. Who you are. What you need."

"It made me look weak."

"Is that such a bad thing?"

"If you'd asked me the right questions back then you wouldn't have to ask that now."

When it became obvious that John wouldn't say anything more Jack took a breath.

"So what is it that you so desperately want to know? You do know you can't force any information out of me, right?"

John fixed him, his blue eyes cold and guarded.

"Why did you leave?"

Jack stared at him.

"Really?! That's what you brought me here for?!"

John's shoulders sagged.

"Please Jack, I won't ask you anything else if you just answer this."

Jack heaved a sigh.

"I - won't."

The utter despair in John's eyes made Jack cringe. Taking another breath he said:

"I can tell you this though: It wasn't about you. I didn't leave _you_."

"What?!"

"It didn't have anything to do with you", Jack repeated, stressing each word.

"It wasn't anything I'd done?"

"No."

John turned away, trying to hide his emotion. His voice didn't give any of it away when he went on:

"So you had no clue what that dinner was about."

"Excuse me?"

John still had his back to Jack.

"I asked you to meet me at the casino, at a very specific time of day. I thought it was obvious. When you stood me up I thought I had my answer."

"John what are you - "

John swirled around, fixing Jack with a deadly glare.

"When I found out you'd _left_ , without so much as a word, I thought the _universe_ could hear you shout your answer."

"My answer to - Oh my God John you'd been about to propose to me?!"

John looked like he would be sick. He closed his eyes.

"You could have said no you know?"

All that time. He'd been so sure he knew why Jack had left, and it had hurt like crazy, and he'd been wrong all along. His head wouldn't wrap around it just like that.

Jack stood frozen to the ground, a dozen different emotions washing over him, unable to sort them.

John's eyes were still closed when he started talking again.

"You were just a kid from a back water planet, accepted into the program because your sector was underrepresented, but you were stunning. I set my mind on you the moment you walked into the casino, all swagger and ready to take on the world. How old were you, 21?"

"Had just turned 23."

"Like I said. Just a kid. I had already made Special Agent by the time you found the headquarters."

"And yet I made Only Agent Who Could Control You in record time."

John burst out laughing and looked at him.

"That's what they told you? Sneaky bastards."

He snickered.

"I guess it's true though. We did control each other. Kind of."

"We didn't get each other killed."

"There's that."

"From what I heard of your reputation that hadn't always been the case."

John didn't say anything.

"Did you ever actively kill a partner?", Jack pressed.

"Uh you know what they say. What happens in the Past stays in the Past."

While Jack was chewing on that John thought back to their first encounter. He'd had his eyes on Jack the moment the newbie came through the door, and Jack had probably felt it. He'd let his gaze wander and then locked eyes with John.

 _"Mind if I have a seat?"_

 _"Has anyone ever told you no, gorgeous?"_

 _Jack's smile widened as he sat down. John pushed his chair back and stood._

 _"What can I get you?"_

 _"I'm not sure."_

 _"Don't worry, I'll take care of it. Don't go anywhere. "_

 _When he set down Jack's drink in front of him the kid held up his wrist. Sweet. Scanning the drink a stranger had bought him. John didn't even try to suppress his grin when he raised his own drink._

 _"Man after my own heart. I'm John."_

 _"Jack", the kid absentmindedly answered him, checking the readings on his Vortex Manipulator. Finally reassured he tried - and obviously liked - the hyper vodka. John stretched in his chair._

 _"If I had spiked your drink I would have made sure to use something the wrist strap couldn't detect. Just saying."_


	3. Leverage

John heaved a sigh. Those were the days...

"Yeah. You were cute."

Jack snorted.

"How long had _you_ been with the Agency when I got there?"

He couldn't believe they'd never talked about this.

"About ten years", John said casually.

Jack did the math.

"They accepted you at 18?!"

"I might have cheated a little as far as the day of my birth was concerned."

"You _weren't_ even 18?"

"Well Time is relative, right?"

"Why were you so eager to get in?"

John didn't say anything for a while, but Jack sensed that he just needed some space. And indeed, after a few minutes John went on:

"I wasn't too keen on staying with my mother any longer than I had to. Neither was she."

John shrugged.

"So I left."

"Home? How old were you?"

"About to turn 16."

"At not even 16, on your own - what did you do?"

"Made a little money here and there, but living on the streets didn't work so well for me. That young, with my build, no fighting skills whatsoever - I had to find people who were willing to protect me."

"Out of the goodness of their hearts?"

"Out of the goodness of my pretty face and tight ass."

That shut Jack up. To think of the swaggering, big mouthed, ever sexually charged John as a rent boy was - unsettling.

"You must have been desperate", he said softly.

"A comfy bed, a warm meal and a lot of sex? Can't see the down side."

Anyone who hadn't spent five years with John would have bought it. As it was, Jack knew better than to call his bluff. John had already been a lot more open with him than usual. He leaned in and gave him a gentle kiss.

"What was that for?"

"Can't I just kiss you?"

"Tasted suspiciously like pity."

"God John you're such a jerk."

"What?!"

"You always do this."

"I'm sorry if I'm too fucked up for your taste."

„Would you stop being passive aggressive? It's beneath you."

They were quiet for a while, not sure where they stood. Finally John propped himself up on his elbow.

"Anyway, we're not here to talk about _me_."

Jack braced himself.

"OK, fine, ask."

When John didn't, Jack looked at him. Obviously that was what his ex partner had been waiting for.

"Did you ever love me?"

"John."

Exasperated.

"What? It's a simple question."

Jack briefly closed his eyes.

"When we met I was fascinated by you, and more than a little intimidated. You scared me, and you intrigued me. You were older and more experienced and you'd been with the Agency forever - and I thought you were the hottest thing in the universe."

John grinned.

"I still do by the way", Jack went on.

"You do?"

"Come on. You know you're hot."

"I do. But hearing you admit it is - flattering."

John was still grinning, but then he sobered.

"It's not what I asked though."

Jack didn't say anything. He was obviously struggling with the truth problem. John closed his eyes, determined to get his answer, no matter how painful. He braced himself.

"I told you I love you over and over again, and you never -"

"I was fighting so hard, John."

Jack looked desperate, as if he was unable to stay quiet any longer. John tilted his head, an unspoken question.

"Trying to stay in control", Jack explained . "Trying to stay on top. HQ kept telling me I had to be alert night and day, and frankly they were right. If I had given in..."

"To what?!"

Jack fixed his ex partner.

"To what I felt for you."

John stared at him.

"I'm sorry I never said it, John."

"Say it now. Please."

Jack took a breath.

"I was head over heels crazy in love with you."

John had to close his eyes. Realizing everything he felt was probably written all over his face he turned his back to Jack, fighting to stay in control.

The soft, gentle tone Jack used when he said "I'm sorry" again was too much. John went stiff when he felt tears on his cheeks. Don't let him see.

"John", Jack said, still in the same tone of voice that kept undoing John. "I should have told you..."

"Damn right you should! What the fuck did you think would happen?", John hissed, facing Jack again.

"They partnered us because I could control you. Only it wasn't anything I did that kept you in check. It was what you felt for me. Am I right?"

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"I thought that if you knew I felt the same way about you I'd lose that leverage."

John huffed out a bitter laugh.

"Such a good agent you were, always following HQ's orders to the letter."

Jack did note the sarcasm. Before he could say anything John took a breath.

"Past tense then, huh?"

"What?"

"You _were_ in love with me."

"Things have changed. You wouldn't like the life I lead. But _I_ do. I don't want to go back."

After a moment John said:

"Maybe you don't have to. Maybe I can change, too."

Jack gave him an affectionate smile.

"Playing by the rules? Really?"

John returned the smile. It felt good that Jack knew him that well. He took another breath.

"Besides, there's Ianto."

Jack's smile widened.

"Yes. There's Ianto."

"Think he'd fancy a threesome?"

Jack chuckled.

"He doesn't even like you."

"He will a _fter_ that threesome."

Another chuckle. Then Jack turned serious.

"God what an image...you _and_ Ianto."

"Careful what you wish for, Harkness. I might steal him."

John looked at Jack, serious now himself.

"You love him. As in want to spend – _his_ life with him."

"If he'll have me."

John swallowed.

"I should take you back. The sooner I get you two love birds together again the sooner you'll get bored and come to your senses."

Jack knew him well enough to know he was only half joking.


End file.
